I dug this out of my e-mail archives today. It felt like it might need a more public airing than the original BCC to Derik.
Tuesday, Nov. 2, 2010, 2:23 a.m.
I just got home from my whirlwind trip to DC. It was a loooong ass drive back… I didn’t get on the road until around 3 p.m. East Coast Time (ECT), so all told it was about 10 hours in the car, every second of which I was tired. But, thankfully, I had a lot of great music and a small handful of friends who were so kind as to check in on me from time to time to make sure I wasn’t, you know, dead.
The drive gave me time to think, and, as I am wont to do, I did some important reflecting on what happened yesterday. You see, I spent the day yesterday with Edward, whose name you may recognize from his occasional comments on facebook. Edward and I go back more than a decade to my time in Fayetteville, Ark., during my first tour of duty through graduate school. He was my neighbor and a really good friend for my first year in Fayetteville, after which time we started dating and had a whirlwind romance for about three months. I always say that I have two regrets in my life: the first, that I never studied abroad as an undergrad; the second, that I treated Edward very, very insensitively when I broke up with him. I behaved badly, and I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to forgive myself for it.And yet, in our afternoon together yesterday, Edward taught me something really important… he told me some background details about something that happened the last time I saw him, details that reminded me what it means to love someone. I’m not talking about romantic, engrossing, I-wanna-get-in-yo’-pants love. But the kind of love that respects and supports another person without condition.
You see, quite some time ago, when I first found Mil Millington (author of the “angry bed positions,” as well as a small number of absolutely brilliant novels), I told Edward that I judged the quality of a used bookstore by whether they had any of Mil’s novels on hand. So when I went to DC in March, and planned a trip out to Edward’s bookstore, the first thing I did — naturally — was check the shelves for Mil. And voila! There was one of his novels. I knew Edward had planted it there, but until yesterday I had no idea the lengths he’d gone to to make sure that book was there. He actually ordered a new copy of the book online from a competitor, had his staff put a used sticker on it, and stock it on the shelf. His employees thought he was crazy. But he did all of this… Just. For. Me. THAT is love.
I have done nothing to deserve Edward’s thoughtfulness, but he gives it anyway, and freely. We were talking about the guy I dated before (and again after) him, Daniel, and some of my more recent dating experiences. To this, he joked that, of all the men I’ve dated in my life, he’s the shining star — but he was right. It really says
something not so great about me and my choices that that’s true, given [edit to protect privacy] Edward’s recent struggles [end edit]. But he’s the kindest, most thoughtful person I’ve ever dated.I didn’t want to talk about this (or e-mail about it, etc., with you) while I was gone because I really just wanted to enjoy my time in my favorite city. (Which I did.) But the fact is, it really hurt my feelings that you saw absolutely no need to inform me you weren’t going with me. If you recall, the decision made over breakfast at the Barksdale to go to DC was upon *your* suggestion. I mentioned that I wanted to go, but you were the one who said, “Let’s do it. Let’s go.” And then you …. forgot? What does that say about how important I am to you? When I reminded you about it last Tuesday, you must have known that Saturday was the end of your fiscal year and inventory day, but rather than just tell me that and that you probably couldn’t go, you told me you were going to try to move some things around so you could go. And then, when you decided — whenever it was that you decided — that you couldn’t get away, you didn’t even have the courtesy to let me know. What is THAT all about?!
Do you honestly think I *wanted* to go to DC alone this weekend? If you’d told me you weren’t going, I would’ve found someone else willing to go. I enjoy traveling alone, but I don’t always like driving long distances alone, particularly when I know I’m going to be tired. I don’t like driving at night, but I just drove in excess of 7 hours in the dark because I. Had. No. Choice. As it turns out — shockingly, I know — I actually have other people in my life who would’ve liked to have gone to DC for the Rally. But by the time I knew for sure you weren’t going, it was, um, time to leave. Friday morning was a tad bit late notice.
To you, it was probably no big deal, not giving me a firm answer. Just as it was probably no big deal that you never let me know you couldn’t make my class Wednesday night. Maybe you assume I expect you not to show up to stuff you’ve said you’ll try to attend. I have no idea. What I do know is that the people I choose to let into my life and, in particular, into my inner circle are people I can trust. Whose word
means something. Who will at least give me the common — common! — courtesy of letting me know that they cannot keep plans we’ve made. That’s, like, a minimal amount of thoughtfulness. It’s not too much to ask, and I deserve to be treated with at least that level of respect.In short, Brant, I deserve better. Particularly from someone who’s been a part of my life for four months.
I deserve better.