Despite whatever evidence to the contrary may exist here at the good ol’ LizBlog, I’m actually a pretty private person. I work hard to keep my personal and professional lives separate (the Dr. Jones debacle notwithstanding) and let people glimpse the inner Liz infrequently. It’s not that I have secrets, because I really don’t; I’ll generally tell you almost anything you care to ask me. It’s more so that I don’t actively volunteer up things that come from my core… the things that form up the essence of who I am and how I got here. I don’t believe in regret and try not to let fear dominate my life, yes, but let’s be honest: If you share a part of your inner self with someone and they don’t respond well, it’s a wee bit soul crushing. Not fun, at any rate. So I’m careful. I wait. I’m patient. And when the time feels right, I share.
Last night/this morning, I shared. Sleep deprivation and other distractions are probably to blame, but regardless of what possessed me to open up the way I did, it happened. I woke up feeling a little uncertain this morning, overthinking (as I am wont to do) whether saying the things I said was the right thing to do. But it was.
July was a month that was filled with me wearing myself out giving my time, energy, and emotion to other people. I have no regrets; I did some fantastic work last month and also (I think — I hope!) was a source of comfort and strength to a few people very dear to me. But it’s August now, and school will be starting soon; life will be resuming some semblance of normalcy (to the extent that such a thing exists for me, anyway). Assignments, papers, and projects will soon occupy my thoughts, and to be in a place where I can deal with that stuff, I have to clear out some of the cobwebs in my own mind. As difficult (damn near impossible) as it is for me, I have to focus on what I need.
I’m working on this. Daily. Despite the fact that a whole lot of last week sucked out loud, I’m very proud of how I’ve handled it all. It has been hard, but I’ve exceeded even my own (often unreasonable) expectations.
I’m always so vague here, and I know that’s infuriating, but I just want to broadcast this message out on the Interwebs: I’m happy. Really happy. I’m hopeful. And most importantly, I’m so, so glad that pulling back the veil a bit today turned out not to be a mistake.
Thanks for that.