I read this yesterday in the BritLit book I’m reading currently — it totally cracked me up! 🙂
I was insecure. Brian was right. I Googled ‘jealousy’ when I got home and had it confirmed. The jealousy you feel alerts you to your own feelings of inadequacy, apparently. I saw a photo of Ruth in her pants. Her thighs were smooth like an aubergine. But I had cellulite. Someone looking at my things might think I’d been sitting on Lego for a long time. And I remembered Ruth’s pornographic vocals and began to think I was dull in bed. Google suggested improving those areas of your life in which you feel inferior in order to rid yourself of jealous feelings. Which basically meant I needed to sort my bottom out and get more wanton. Hence, I did something unprecedented the following morning. I decided to go for a walk at 6 a.m. But not just any old walk. It would be a walk-slash-jog. Although I wasn’t going to put too much pressure on myself to do the jogging bit. I thought I might even practise saying the word ‘cock’ out loud as well.