Dateline: en route to DFW, Fri. Oct. 15, 2010
12:41 p.m. CST
Something has been brewing just beneath the surface for a few days now, and I’m still struggling to put words to what is little more than a vague notion that something’s there, something worth mulling over. But what, I wonder?
Sometimes, I take a mental step back and tune into my narrator’s voice… try to figure out how I’m contemporaneously sketching a narrative of what’s unfolding around me. What’s interesting, to me anyway, is when that narrative gets a little schizo, which is how it’s been lately.
There’s this part of me — not insignificant I might add — that is really quite okay with the fact that I’m not in any sort of serious relationship, and (honestly) that there doesn’t seem to be anyone in my life (or queueing up) who would fill that void well and willingly. I have these strong urges for constancy, dependability, and companionship in my life… and yet, if you look at the actions I’m taking with respect to my dating behavior, it seems all but apparent that I’m carefully ensuring none of those things will come into my life anytime soon. Why is that? Why, I wonder, have I spent the last year — YEAR, my goodness! — engaged in dating-ish activities with men who cannot give me (or, alternatively, choose not to give me) the very things I have been missing so much?
And then there’s this other part of me, the other side of the schizophrenic narrative, that feels like I’m EXACTLY where I want and need to be. I’ve got this incredibly healthy attitude towards myself, my life, my friends … I mean, for starters, I’m EASILY in the best emotional/mental place with respect to the BFF’s role in my life that I’ve ever, ever had. These leaps forward are HUGE, and keeping my life (relatively) uncomplicated by not engaging in anything super serious feels so healthy and refreshing in so many great ways. What’s more, approaching dating-ish activities with the goal of keeping things at least relatively casual (certainly, not exclusive) means I don’t feel the pressure to ask the Great Big Questions about whether a particular person could possibly (a) deserve me, (b) be able to give me what I need and want, or (c) be someone I could actually see myself with for an extended period of time. In the absence of serious relationship expectations, I can just enjoy the ride. That’s nice. Really nice, actually.
But… is this more of the “empty dating calories,” so endlessly discussed back in June, that ultimately leave me feeling hungry again quickly — the Chinese food of socializing? Quite possibly so.
Because, of course, emotional entanglements — even when “casual” — are rarely costless to me. The mere presence in my life of someone with whom I do things that “just friends” don’t do … well. It invites emotional investment. I care about people, and to the extent that I let someone see a more vulnerable part of me, I’m opening my heart extra more. The absence of commitment means I’m “allowed” to go out with other people — but it also means the other person is, too, and I hate (but accept) that jealousy inevitably creeps in. I don’t know how to deal with that emotion; it’s inherently wrong of me to expect exclusivity from someone else when I’m not willing to give it, but it’s also incredibly damaging to my ego and my confidence when I realize I’m not enough to satisfy someone’s romantic, sexual, or emotional needs. That hurts me. And that’s the part I struggle with. Mightily.
I’ve never been one to say “dating sucks!” … largely, because I don’t actually feel like it does. I enjoy dating, enjoy getting to know new people, go experience fun things, get out and do stuff, try to see the world from someone else’s perspective. I enjoy the feeling of having someone else take an interest in me, my thoughts, and my experiences — it’s terribly flattering and thrilling. But what doesn’t feel so good is the niggling questions about whether I’m ever going to meet someone for whom I *am* enough and who is simultaneously enough for me. I’ve never doubted that such a person exists, but I really wonder what sort of mindset I need to be in before I’ll be able to recognize and accept such a person into my life.