I think maybe I should just not come to Denton anymore. Just make an executive decision that I’m heretofore working strictly from the confines of my bright red home office, where (even though it’s hotter than Hades) at least I can choose when to receive frustrating news. (Answer the phone, or not; read the e-mail, or not; etc.)
So today’s one of my days in Denton — could you guess? And even though we have two fantastic replacement-Liz candidates anxiously awaiting the call that they’ve got the job, neither of them will be getting said call anytime soon. It frustrates the HELL out of me.
A week or two ago, I would have said, “Well, it sucks, but the money’s nice.” And it is — getting a paycheck is never a bad thing.
What I’ve got to weigh, though, is the relative grief suffered in pursuit of that check. And how much longer this will last.
I’ve said before that it’s killing me to turn away people who genuinely need help — help that, at present, only *I* can give them — but I’ve tempered that anguish with the knowledge that, with all the speed a state hiring process can manage, we’ve been trying very hard to fill my position these last few weeks. With each passing day, though, with new requests coming my way for information and reporting about how well I’ve done my job (trying to justify the continued presence of my position on this campus), it’s becoming less and less clear to me what’s going to happen. And while I do, on many levels, care about preserving the legacy I’ve created here, about passing it along to someone who will build upon what I’ve done, as the days pass, my heart is less and less in the tasks being asked of me.
I have an inbox with — let’s check — 225 messages, all from people who need something from me. And instead, I am justifying why having someone in this position is important. Doesn’t 225 waiting messages say something to that effect? And does it do anyone any good to have my very limited time focused on defending the position, instead of answering some of those 225 messages?
{sigh} It’s hard to stay motivated, to keep focused, to trudge on. Especially when I know that every second I spend sitting at my desk in Denton (and, let’s not forget, the 2 hours I spend driving to and from my desk in Denton), I’m not doing what I feel I should be doing.
I know, I know. I sound like a broken record. Wah wah wah. I just wish I cared less.