Tomorrow I face the hardest thing I’ve ever had to face in my professional career: the very real possibility of total failure, where the outcome is largely a function of how well I can convince three people who are FAR smarter than me that I am not naive, Pollyanna-ish, or “off putting.” I’m none of those things, and I know that, but I have to give them an overwhelming onslaught of evidence to merit passing me despite the offensive nature of my written exam. I honestly feel like my chances of passing are fairly low, but I’m going to do my best and let the chips fall where they may.
Having said all that, it wasn’t supposed to be like this. And I’m not even talking about the whole failure thing. I’m talking about the fact that I’m facing all of this all on my own, and I despise it. I’ve got a couple of close friends who’ve really been there for me, and a smattering of less-good friends who’ve offered up their (sweet) shock at the predicament and encouragement… and there’s also one other person, whose role in my life is intentionally undefined but important, who has been there for me in a real way. I’m exceedingly grateful that there are people in my life who care enough, who love enough, to reach out every now and again to make sure I’m doing okay. It means a lot and has made the last two weeks manageable, at the very least.
But when I come home at night and put my key in the deadbolt, there’s nobody waiting for me. When I get up in the morning, nobody’s there to kiss me good morning, hold me close and tell me I’m going to be an epic success. Quite simply, I’ve got nobody around. It’s just me. I’m here, fighting this fight pretty much on my own, and It. Fucking. Sucks.
I never imagined I’d be here, in this place at this time, fighting a fight I should never have had to fight in the first place, much less having to do it without a partner.
I refuse to compromise, refuse to short-sell myself, refuse to give up the dream. But I really, really, really wish I wasn’t alone.