[Preface: I always try hard to know my audience, and anticipate potential reactions to what I write through the lens of my audience. However, there is no way I can say what I’m about to say without, I’m guessing, giving someone pause. Regardless, I’ve got so much pent-up frustration right now that I’m going to say it anyway. Just please know that I would have rephrased into a less inciteful way if I could have.]
I am a control freak.
There, I’ve said it.
If you asked my mom, or pretty much anyone I’ve dated in the past, they’d happily — and forcefully — tell you that I tend to get a bit insane when I’m not in control.
I panic when school or work gets overwhelming, because I don’t feel in control. I deal with the panic by obsessively making lists and scratching down things on calendars, because it’s the only way I can feel in control again.
I completely freak out when I’m in large crowds, because everyone else has their own agenda and it doesn’t tend to include staying the hell out of my way. I very often get itchy with panic when I’m completely surrounded by people. Once, at NIOSA, I completely broke down into ugly-cry sobs because I was surrounded by people on all sides. I generally avoid malls specifically to avoid crowds of people. When I do go, I try to go during the week, when most people are at work.
My control freakiness also manifests into a pretty serious need for routine. I’ve only been swimming at the Vandy pool three times, but every single time I’ve swum in the same lane. I have made a point of going *right* when the pool opens so I can always get that lane. Today I’m planning to swim a full hour after opening time, to to be perfectly honest, I’m kinda nauseated by the idea that someone else might be in my lane, necessitating me either waiting for them to finish (which would border on Monk-like obsessiveness) or picking a different lane (very unsettling).
In short, I like my life to have order, to have routine, and most of all, to allow me to feel as though I’m the pilot of the Liz Ship.
For the most part, I do alright. Lavely, I’ve even been making significant strides with respect to my control freakiness, and feeling in general more balanced and healthy than I have in some time. This in spite of the fact that, at least in one respect, I have ceded significant control to someone else, and have not only been OK with that, but have actually been *enjoying* it a great deal.
However, on the heels of a most unfortunate dream this morning that left me unsettled and aggravated, I have found myself getting more and more agitated today about my lack of control in one particular area (and I’m sorry, but I just won’t tell you what that area is). I willingly delegated control of this particular area quite some time ago, and until today haven’t really regretted it. But… today I do. And it is frustrating the hell out of me.
Grrrr!!!
Now, for necessary caveats. If you happen not to have any idea what the hell I’m talking about, I’m not talking about you, and so please put this aside. If you happen to know exactly what I’m talking about, I’m not frustrated with you per se, so, likewise, please put this aside.