(Aside: I really don’t know why I’ve been in a “que me gustan” mood lately. I vastly prefer French, but the Spanish version of “what makes me happy” is so way cooler than the French. Y’know?)
So. Since I said I was too exhausted to write, I took a bath and finished the novel I’ve been reading for the last couple of weeks, and I’m feeling much better now.
I’ve just got all this … you know, STUFF … that I want to say to someone, but lacking the right audience, I’m going to spill it out here. Honestly, this is going to make me queasy tomorrow morning when I realize what I’ve said and the universe of people who might read it. But I won’t think about that tonight. Nope. Ain’t after-midnight blogging grand? 🙂
I have been treading unfamiliar ground in the last few weeks… and it has been unfamiliar in a most uncomfortable way. I’ve been trying to be a source of support and comfort to someone who has, in fairly short order, become rather important to me, but even as I’ve appreciated feeling needed and appreciated, I’ve also been fleetingly aware of the fact that I’ve been giving far too much, at least in a broad sense. It began with the fact that I’ve been working so much that alone time has been a scarce commodity; paired with a lack of downtime, giving so much of myself away has just left me feeling emotionally depleted in a way that hits me rarely.
It doesn’t help that I’ve been feeling significantly conflicted about something else, torn on how to deal with the stark reality that I am in a position to hurt someone terribly and trying to figure out how to proceed with the care and delicacy merited.
I hate hurting people. In fact, I’ll go out of my way to subjugate my own needs in the hopes of not hurting someone. If I were a character in a Greek tragedy, this would be my fatal flaw.
I can’t tell you how much time I’ve spent over the last month wondering WHY it is so freaking hard for me to conceptualize and verbalize what I need. I have a good sense of self; I believe I deserve to be happy and to have the things that I need and want. I do. I really, really do! So why is it so hard for me to ask for these things? Why couldn’t I, at *any* point today (which was SUCH a difficult day for me — fuck!) just pick up my phone and either call or text someone with the simple message that I desperately needed a hug and a smile? I can think of a half-dozen people just off the top of my head who would have gladly done that for me, and yet — apart from admitting a couple of times this afternoon that I needed a hug, in a sort of abstract, “yeah, that’d be nice” kind of way — I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t say a thing, couldn’t ask someone to stop by or to let me stop by for a quick moment of comfort.
And why not? Why not, Liz?
I feel like I have to be strong. I hate crying in front of people, and even more than that, I absolutely abhor feeling needy or demanding or clingy. And yet, I’m more than a teensy bit worried that, in letting all of this drama and exhaustion get to me the way it has over the last couple of weeks, I’m projecting the wrong impression about who I am to those I’ve only begun to know recently. This is not who I am… except that it is, sometimes, and it’s not something I like about myself.
Somehow, in the midst of all this confusion and this feeling frazzled, I have found that this is my salvation. Realizing that giving so much of myself away means I don’t get to be the person I want to be is about the only way I can work up the courage and the strength to change.
Realizing that shiny-happy Liz has bid a hasty retreat behind the fatigue? Yeah. I’ve come way too far to let that shit happen.
Over the last few days, I’ve come to appreciate that there are some people in my life with whom I can spend time effortlessly. This is such a tremendous blessing… to be in the company of those who I can just relax around, without the drama, without the fatigue, without any of that.
I’m going to make a quick visit to my parents this weekend, which should be helpful — getting away and visiting home is always good for me. I’m really looking forward to that.
But I’m also looking forward to coming back to town Saturday night, presumably feeling refreshed, and (with any kind of luck) doing something I’ve been wanting to do for a while, now. Vague? Yes. Too bad!
Meantime, here’s a song to cheer me up. It makes me smile. A lot.