Maybe I’ve doomed myself to this adrift uncertainty that has taken hold in the last few days; I was already feeling a bit off, and then I went archives surfing for old pictures while simultaneously listening to some of the most powerfully evocative music in my multi-gig collection. The result? I’m drowning in a sea of not knowing… this grip of being both unsure of myself, less sure of another than I’d frankly prefer, and — most importantly — completely unsure how to proceed.
When I feel the loss of terra firma beneath my feet, rarely do I feel comfortable speaking my mind, because I know my perspective is off…. and God knows, if my marriage taught me anything, it’s that words (especially when they spring from a perspective that’s askew) can have long-lived, substantial consequences.
So I want to be heard (desperately so!), but I’m not speaking up, rendering all parties in suboptimal places. Here is the legacy of an emotionally and psychologically abusive failed marriage: How do I trust that someone will stay with me, and continue to love me just as fiercely, if I say something that’s inspired by feelings of insecurity or hurt and it lands wrong? How can I let go of the fear?
If fear is cultivated it will become stronger, if faith is cultivated it will achieve mastery.